Bullshit

Blamed for every argument no matter what.  Yeah, and that’s supposed to help me??  I guess I have to get to the point where I have to ignore.  Here’s the thing, though…when people want to throw blame, that absolves them of looking at themselves…because they’re always looking to blame me.  I’m an easy, drunk target most of the time.  No, you don’t get to act like a fucking ass because your go-to is blaming me for every fucking, motherfucking thing.  Fuck you and fuck off. 

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Off (alcohol) topic rant…

I get really irritated with people coming to me all the time wanting me to weight train with them, online or in person, because I’m “so fit.”  You know why that chaps my ass??  Because they want it for free.  They want to learn.   That’s all good and well, but then when they realize what it actually takes (real work), they bail, and I have wasted my time yet again.  So going forward, I will be charging.  I will never give another free any fucking thing again.   So for the person I’m meeting tomorrow for coffee who I know only reached out to me to find out how I got in the shape I did (and wants the info for free), you’ve got another think coming…

Being real…

I became an alcoholic 10 years ago.  I will turn 41 in two weeks.  I have done some heinous shit while drinking that I would never dream of doing sober.  I have hurt my fiancé beyond measure with my drinking.  I was a sexually abused child for the first 16 and a half years of my life.  I have gotten a shit ton of therapy for it.  Despite that upbringing, I turned out to be a pretty successful person.  And then I found my love of alcohol at 30, coincidentally at the same time I had my only child.  My son is my life.  He is everything to me.

I am TIRED of thinking all day about how I’m going to fuck around with our money so I can get my daily fix.  I am tired of trying to find new and interesting ways to hide the bottles or make sure I get up before him to throw them away.  I am super fucking tired of trying to “act” sober all the while downing a liter of whiskey a night.  I am better than this.  

The longest I have ever been sober in the last 10 years is 30 days.  I cannot drink socially, one or 10 is never enough.  At this point, I don’t give a rat’s ass who reads this and realizes who I am.  I am a fucking powerlifter, mom, fiancée, hard worker, and an alcoholic.  I need to own that shit and get on with the real act of living in the now and not in the past.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I have a supreme potty mouth, so if anyone is offended, sorry.  Thanks for listening…

I just want to go to sleep and wake up and be a better mom for my son…

Out there…

While I don’t want to tell too much, I really feel like I should put myself out there if I’m going to be completely authentic and honest about myself and with myself.

Fear…

I fear that once I absolutely become sober, so many things are going to change.  I will no longer have the tolerance for shit that I easily brush off.